my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
You Might Also Like
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
The Others (2001)
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.