@Gooooats: My Eight Year Old: Why do I have to learn cursive?
Me: Literally no reason at all.
@iloveskyrim71: CRABS THINK WE WALK SIDEWAYS
@StevieKnip: Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you're under arrest. I'm taking you to jail
Me: let's take my car
@AmishPornStar1: "Sorbet" is a French word that means, "I wish it was ice cream."
@Laser_Cat: America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy's capital.
@Jake_Sniff: [girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my "secretly move in with her" plan