LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
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This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I can’t deal with men any longer
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I love you…
…r dog.