@Gooooats: My Eight Year Old: Why do I have to learn cursive?
Me: Literally no reason at all.
@ThRealBallsDeep: Me:Siri, why don't I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
@JediGigi: [end of date]
Him: I'll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I'll just sit here in your car until you do.
@Tommytoughstuff: "DOUG YOU'RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!"
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
@TheMichaelRock: I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their shit.
@CheetoBandito77: I stepped on the scale today.
Not to get my weight. I just couldn't reach the cookies in the cupboard.