When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
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Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Risking my life for fun.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.