@nigburt: My electric toothbrush broke so now I have to use my acoustic one
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@Tmoney68: [Theater] GF: I got M&M’s. Me: I can’t eat those here. GF: Why? M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
@PaulyPeligroso: You can't die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
@dafloydsta: Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Do the dishes Me: Can't. Holding the baby Wife: Take out the trash Me: Can't. Baby Wife: Change the baby Me: Can't. Doing dishes.