Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
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I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”