@clarkekant: My electric toothbrush ran out of batteries so I had to brush with my acoustic.
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@Social_Mime: Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn't have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
@imence2: "I'm sure if I show my gf my Twitter, she'll understand it's just for fun." Said a bunch of now single guys.
@robynpalmer1: Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, "Go home you're drunk!" Just another time alcohol saved my life.
@amydillon: "Shh...it took an hour, but I think he's finally asleep." *fireworks go off outside* *opens window* I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE