@KrunkedRobot: My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: Hey guys. Stop touching your wife's pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
@RickAaron: This grocery store is playing "Freebird" which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
@laurajennyjo: "I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?" ... *knocks on stall wall* "Hello? Can u hear me?" ... "I like your shoes...Hello?" ..
@Chumpstring: ME: I lied in my interview. BOSS: what was the lie? ME: all lies. except about my aunt. BOSS: she wants to party with me? ME: big time.