@KrunkedRobot: My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Someone cut my 6-year-old's hair She says she didn't do it Be on the lookout for a mysterious hair-cutting bandit who looks just like her
@Reverend_Scott: mugger: GIMME UR MONEY "All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday" [mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma] IT'S PAYBACK TIME
@SCbchbum: Friend: I want a baby. Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.