@KrunkedRobot: My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
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@simoncholland: When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she's talking about vacuuming.
@Mikecanrant: The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. Im not taking any chances. *locks doors*
@Bipartisanism: How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games: Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
@sarcasticmommy4: If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said "Mom, you're not funny", I could buy a beach house. And live by myself.