@bourgeoisalien: My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.
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@imdaintyaf: People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
@NotthatAdamWest: Jean shorts on men should be called Danny Dukes. Or Daisy Dons. Or maybe just Poor Life Choices.
@thepunningman: Boss: Isn't your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move? Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I'm talking about