My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
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If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
This hospital has everything
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale