My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
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Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Breaking news:
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?