“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
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Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
that colleague who touches your screen
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy