Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
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Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
That de-escalated quickly
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
SCARY COSTUME
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Strange
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood