My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
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ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.