All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
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It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
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Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.