My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
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me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
B
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table