My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
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My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.