My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
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Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up