@zachreinert03: My ex claimed I had a 'hero' complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
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@Los01001111: *goes to Australia *sees hot girl *asks if she wants to be my first mate *winks forever *gets punched down under
@huntigula: Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god's kingdom Judas: um, isn't that from the Lion King? Jesus: *glares at Judas*
@Brianhopecomedy: To ensure my wife misses me while I'm away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
@hippieswordfish: 'sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.' what, am i supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?