My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
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When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car