@zachreinert03: My ex claimed I had a 'hero' complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
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@TheCatWhisprer: WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn't you? ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
@N0pantz: Plan B and pregnancy tests should be sold at the Liquor Store as a 'one stop shop' kinda thing. Save all that judgment for one cashier.
@Reverend_Scott: And then God said, "Let there be Black Friday." and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.