My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
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When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
🤣😂
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE