@holymolynicole: My ex didn't realize 'cheat day' only meant he could eat whatever FOOD he wanted.
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@HeyZeus666: I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
@Manda_like_wine: I walked up to my 9yo and said, "How goes it?" He looks up at me and says, "God is history's greatest serial killer."
@Carbosly: Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree? Only in case of fire? Fine. But pretty sure my cat won't like being set on fire.