@holymolynicole: My ex didn't realize 'cheat day' only meant he could eat whatever FOOD he wanted.
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@xlpaws: I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I'm not wearing pants.
@BenjyHimmel: *wearing an apron and oven mitts* This is an old family recipe *I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
@bridger_w: This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
@TheSharona06: I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so