*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
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wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????