@protolalia: My ex DM'd me to say I'm acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he's wrong.
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@PetrickSara: [Married pillow-talk] Husband: What's your deepest fantasy? Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don't leave any crumbs under the table.
@Brianhopecomedy: *wife phones* "Hi!" "Hi! Did you clean the house?" "Uhh...YUP!" "OK, I'm coming home. Need anything?" "Yes, about 2 hours."
@SwartyComedy: If Shakespeare were alive today, he'd write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.