My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s