If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
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I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.