Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
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Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time