@P1ssed_K1d: My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don't know how much she charges him though
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@Alex_N_Chains: I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
@Amazon_Blonde: 911 what is your emergency? Me: "My 6 year old hasn't stopped talking since he got home" 911: "stay calm ma.. Me: MY EARS ARE BLEEDING
@all_about_today: What I've learned from twitter is that if I tell a joke to 1,300 people, at least 2 will laugh.