My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
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Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
This week’s mood.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”