My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
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Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”