SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
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[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.