My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
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Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man