@Breadery: My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with "LOL" is "a representation of everything that is wrong with me."
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@AndyAsAdjective: What they don't tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
@sarousti: Definition of Insomnia: Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it's gone
@murrman5: [surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change [me who's always been a good tipper] you're welcome
@mortimermaiden: [shopping for a house] Me: It's nice but I was thinking something a little bigger. Realtor: This is my office.