My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
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Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?