Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
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I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
two people or more is called a problem
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.