@MindyFurano: my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
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@Fred_Delicious: "daddy, the sun has disappeared!!" [Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway] "listen here you little shit"
@devansgorock: Pro Tip: don't believe everything on Twitter. Y'all said throw her up against the wall to keep her happy. Karen from accounting. Not Happy.
@dubstep4dads: ladies say I'm a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I'm uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
@Book_Krazy: [Couples Therapy] HER: He keeps pretending he's a doctor. This relationship is dead HIM: I'm calling it. Time of death, 9:26 ME: OMG SEE!