my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
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There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.