my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
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date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon