My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
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“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
this… may be the greatest story ever told