My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
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I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.