Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
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I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop