For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
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I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I have many caverns
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused