My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
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Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs