@MrSandeepP: My ex is going to make some guy very happy one day but completely miserable the rest of the time.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven. Me: Why not? Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
@Mr_Kapowski: [kid's party] Me: Can we leave? These things take forever Wife: *harsh whisper* Shut your mouth. Watch our daughter open her presents
@AaronFullerton: Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren't the worst. Me: Wall-E's friend was a cockroach. Wife: Except that.