March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
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How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years