My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
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I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
roman lesbians: *caesaring*