My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
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“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week