My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
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estão todos miauvindo?
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My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee