My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
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The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
bout dat hot dog summer
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.