My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
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This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*