My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
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Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
True?
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.