@TampaBayMomma: My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn't won an arguement for 15 years.
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@JediGigi: [walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon] Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I'd like to ship him this please.
@kelownagoose: Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.
@PaperWash: [calls work] I'm sorry I can't come into work today "is everything alright?" [getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no