My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
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Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.