My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
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Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Going into Monday like
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
doing your own taxes
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)