My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
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Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.