@HeyoShellz: My ex says he's dating someone new but according to his Instagram she's a sandwich
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@tastefactory: When parents say to kids "go to ur room & think about what you've done" it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult
@juliussharpe: Google Glass, for everyone who's ever thought, "I like that browser so much, I want it on MY FACE"
@WeissBrandon: Me: excuse me waitress, I ordered this filet medium-rare and it's clearly a peanut butter and jelly Wife: did you just call me "waitress"?
@TheDailySchmuck: Every time I'm the only black person at a party I think: "Wow. I helped them make quota."