@HeyoShellz: My ex says he's dating someone new but according to his Instagram she's a sandwich
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@TheFearBoners: When God closes a door, He opens a window. God does not give a shit about your electric bill.
@leslid79: 32. Never married. No children. nnI'm the last single friend standing! I win!nn*This message brought to you by whiskey and self loathing.
@Chumpstring: ME: I lied in my interview. BOSS: what was the lie? ME: all lies. except about my aunt. BOSS: she wants to party with me? ME: big time.