my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
You Might Also Like
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo