My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
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If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
my professor scared me for a second
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.